I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
