i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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