its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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