oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
