If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
