eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
