Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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