if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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