i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just sucked dick on a ferry
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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