Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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