happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
