Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
