If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
