i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
