I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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