don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
