Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They took my balls.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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