My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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