Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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