I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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