our cab driver is having phone sex.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
