She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
