U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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