So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
