you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
