her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You left your phone here
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