The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
