My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
