Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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