Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
