The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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