Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
