I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Boobs speak an international language.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
