When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
