Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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