I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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