3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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