So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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