There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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