Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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