New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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