life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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