I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
