FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I have post one night stand depression
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