I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
