I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize