I think I won the penis lottery.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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