Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
