my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
