After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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