Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
