I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
