after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
