there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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