i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
