i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just gargled with NyQuil
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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