What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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