I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were destined to go to rehab together
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
