so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
