God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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