He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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