Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
