the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
