Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
